Pandora Hearts - One Night

Midnight. Or maybe one o'clock. Who knows, maybe even four o'clock ? It doesn't matter, it has been so long since I've lost track of time. Though I count each day, each hour, each minute that separates me from you. How long has it been, now ? Nine years. Ten days. And nine hours. Already... And only. Time flies. But how slow it seems without you. The memories I kept from those times are fuzzy. They seem to just be a part of a very long dream, a soft dream I was violently pulled away from. A dream that I can't remember clearly. It seems so unreal now. Though, in the middle of this indefinite parade of images mingling in my head, one thing is clear. This face that I could never forget. That shining blond hair; those bright eyes, that are such an intense green; that soft face; that so white skin; and that smile. That beautiful smile you always had. I will never forget it, not even a little bit. When you showed it to me, who didn't deserve it at all, it was as if the world around us didn't exist. To me, no one could be miserable anywhere. Because you were happy, the entire universe had to feel that happiness. The sun itself had every right to envy you, he didn't know how to warm the hearts of people like you did.
But now, it is nothing more than an image in my mind. Although it helped me to hold it there, I can't see those soft expressions in your face anymore. Since you disappeared, your radiant self cannot lighted up the world. And the world became a depressing gray. Dark. Silent. Bathed in blood. Dirty and bruised. Or is me who is like that ? I am blind. Everything around me seems to be black. And I can't see the starlight that is constantly hidden behind dark clouds.
"Your hair is as black as the night sky, almost your entire wardrobe is black, you always say that you like black. Then, those golden eyes appear to be shining between those black locks. It looks like the moon in the sky, don't you think ? I much prefer this color ! It's dynamic and warm. That's the only reason I let you wear such a sad color ! 'Cause it highlights the pretty color of your eyes !"
I can't help but smile each time I think of your words that day. I had never found this color very attractive, but you liked it. So I like it too. Since you left, I have always worn black. This way, I always think of you. And it is as if you are close, in the next room. If I don't do that, I know I'll fall in despair. Because you are the only one who can warm up my frozen heart, even now.
I slowly open the window and lean on the cold windowsill. A cool breeze rose in the dusk. I shudder. It's strange, how those feelings seem far away. I often wonder if they are owned by someone else. I doubt I can feel the slightest sensation. I've forgotten what it's like to feel. It should be normal, after all these years...
There is one last cigarette in my pocket. After all, if I sleep or if I smoke, it doesn't change anything. Not anymore. The sound of the leaves swaying on their branches is not so unpleasant. The balance of the world is delicate; this sickening calm could shatter with a touch. It may be peaceful, this night, but that's why I hate it even more. Because it doesn't fit me, it is not a place where I could live. If it were, before my eyes there would be only a thick layer of dust and dead trees. A world that lost its sun.
"You know Gil, I read somewhere that the sun is the reason why all the living beings live. But I wonder... if one day it disappears, what would be left ?"
You asked me tis question, one day. At this time, my answer was "nothing". I was wrong, now I can see it. This world without sun that intrigued you so much, it is here, in front of my eyes. It is the world you left behind, Oz.
It's so pathetic I would almost laugh, if I had the strength to. Who do I think I am, really, to allow myself to want to remake the world according to my point of view ? To think the universe is not okay just because I'm not okay ? What more do I have than those people ? They also fell in love, although not with the sun I met. They also burned with love for that person. But they had to stay quiet, because they had no right to reveal their feelings ant they knew this was an unrequited love. And they did not want to, couldn't hear those cherished lips to say that, so they wouldn't fall in despair. There are so many people, who watch the one in their heart suffering, or lose him or her. Right now, I am sure the same thing is happening near here. And among all these people, I am the worst, keeping your image in my heart, ten years later. But isn't a form of pretension, thinking so ?
It is so painful. It is really so painful, Oz...
Footsteps near the door. I hear it open. It isn't worth turning around, there is only one person who comes at such an hour, and besides, he has already done it a million times.
"Ah, Gilbert-kun, I was sure you weren't sleeping !"
It's him.
"My, I didn't allow you to live in the Rainsworth mansion so you would have sleepless nights !"
What's he saying ? He didn't allow me to do anything, it's Sharon who made me spend the whole week here. He's just a servant. Besides, I don't understand how a servant can have so much freedom.
"I've prepared some big reports for you for tomorrow so I would like you to be awake to do an effective work", he continues.
For once, can't he understand that he is exasperating and leave ?
"You aren't the age anymore where I'll forgive if you fall asleep on your work, you know. The excuse of the important need of sleep in adolescence doesn't work for you anymore."
I didn't respond. I don't have anything to say. None of that interests me.
"Do you really believe that the best way to release Oz from this prison is to let yourself fade away ? What do you think he would say, if he saw how pitiful his servant had become ?"
I didn't want to respond, I didn't want to make the slightest movement at each word he said. But my body reacted on its own and  jumped slightly. Oz's name makes me still feel so strange... and he knows that. I can't hide anything from him. I turn back towards the inside of the room. He is sitting on the bed, and I guess his red eye is reading mine through his silver hair. Right now, he must be showing his usual grin in the darkness of the night.
"It's just advice, but if you want to find the strength to get your master back from this dimension, you need to sleep more. The power of a Chain is much more exhausting than you'd think."
Still no response. I know he's right. But how can I sleep while you're captive, down there, in that unfriendly and cold world ? As your servant, I have no right to sleep.
He stands up. It's surprising that he would leave so quickly.
"Well then, good night, Gilbert," he whispers. "I'll go back to the young lady's room; she woke up from a bad dream earlier. She isn't at the age where I should need to comfort her after a nightmare !"
I turn back to him. Why...? Suddenly, I  don't want him to go. He is annoying, a manipulator, and so on, but... nonetheless, he is here. And I am not alone.
"B-Break !"
He turns around. Damn. If he understands that I am afraid of being alone, he'll laugh at me tomorrow.
"Yes, Gilbert-kun~?"
It is that thoughtless tone that annoys me. He is making fun of me again now, I'm certain.
"I... It's nothing... 'Night."
"Well, if you don't have anything more to say, we'll see each other tomorrow."
He closes the door behind him. It is amazing that a sound like that is so quiet during the day and yet seems so loud at night...
Again, there is no longer noise. But this time, the silence is not peaceful and serene. It's heavy, dark and... empty. Empty because my most important person in the world is missing. Oz... I know I have never deserved it, and I deserve it even less now, with my bloodstained hands, but... I want to be with you. I want to be by your side. Forever. Like this promise we made twelve years ago. I need you...
Ha, no... It's not the time to cry. No, I can't cry now ! I have to fight to get the strength to bring you back to me. But... I can't... I can't do it...! Oz ! I'm so weak, I... in ten years, ten, I couldn't do anything to save you from the Abyss. Nothing. I'm so pitiful. And all I can do in a time like this is to cry. A useless and pitiful coward. Could someone like that dare to even think he could help a pure person as you ? Why did you let me be with you ? Why did you let me love you ? I'm not worthy to be your friend...
"Gilbert."
I jump again and try to dry my eyes. He was still here ? But he doesn't open the door. Good, I don't want him to see me in this state. Though he must know.
"Last week, it's been exactly ten years since Oz disappeared, right ?"
How does he know that ? I thought he didn't care.
"Ojou-sama is worried. There's no reason to take this anniversary in a disastrous way. The more time passes, the closer the time to move becomes. So, be ready to move now. At the end of the week, you'll go back to the Nightray mansion. Then, when you feel you're ready, you'll go down to their door. And you'll meet their Chain, Raven. You need to be properly prepared, there won't be a second chance. Have a good night~"
Suddenly, I find myself grabbing the windowsill. My heart beats hard in my chest. He said the last words with an almost amused voice, but the others were said with a gravity I rarely heard from him. So that's it ? Now ? Finally, he can be released ? But I am really ready ? And Oz... How long have you waited for someone to bring you back into your world ?
I will be there. It's a promise, I will be the one who will save you from the Abyss. Whatever happens. Do you hear me ? Whatever happens. I turn towards my bed and let myself fall onto it. I understand. I can't neglect anything if I want to succeed. And I will. After all this time, I have no choice but to succeed.
I can hardly think... I'm actually very tired. How many hours did I sleep, these last three days ? Six ? Not more. I'm so tired... I still have my shoes on, but I don't care; I don't even have the strenght left to remove them.
Yes, I can do it. For you, Oz. For you... I slowly close my eyes. This night, I cannot fight against sleep. So, forgive me. Forgive me for letting myself sleep peacefully while you are suffering. It's to get the strenght to meet you again.
I love you. I miss you.